100 days 100 confessions

Every night I sleep alone and every day I live with an empty space in my heart. Emotionally I have been abandoned by my husband which is very confusing, vague and hard to understand. The emotional distance between us has increased to the point that our love is lacking an essential intimacy — the tenderness of words, actions and thoughts. This type of gentle intimacy I know is attainable but seems so distance and unreachable. I ache for a kiss, a hug and some caring words. At night I silently cry and slowly the tears stream down my cheek.

Sincerity is the stirring of my authenticity. I stand in front of him baring my soul and sincerity and be real as I can be. It is something, which is shaped by my feelings, not my mind. I stand there day after day hoping an opening will occur in his heart. It’s lonely when when he doesn’t acknowledge my presence or my smiles.

1st RULE: You do not talk about FUCK CLUB.

2nd RULE: You DO NOT talk about FUCK CLUB.

3rd RULE: If someone says “let’s kik” too soon or lies, or ghosts the affair is over.

4th RULE: Only two guys possibilities at a time.

5th RULE: One affair at a time.

6th RULE: No respect, means no affair.

7th RULE: Affairs will go on as long as they have to.

8th RULE: If this is your first night at FUCK CLUB, you HAVE to sex chat.

The master said: “nourish what is for the belly and not the eye.” I am reminded to do what nourishes and does not deplete me.

I lay here pondering my own loneliness and lack of a companion. Contemplating different solutions raises more questions about what I am missing.

Whatever has left me feeling empty will lead me in the pursuit of instant gratification, as an endless cycle of fulfilling what is missing. When I find myself drawn to this gratification process, I can be certain that something more fundamental remains unfulfilled within.

In my marriage I walk alone, shed tears alone, laugh alone and go to sleep alone. This institution is bleak, the foundations crumbling on one side whilst supported by the other side.

Thoughts in overdrive, no clarity on the horizon.

The air is thick while breathing, whilst crazy words I do purge.

Embarrassed beyond unimaginable shame, I cringe my dramatic fall.

This shadow has taking over, I’m a lost prisoner of the cold dark side.

Can I stop the crazy fuzzy mind control to find my way back to grace.

The horrid ego is plotting, so much deceit mapped out ahead.

My soul is down a deep dark crevasse , I keep falling further towards high tide.

Drowning in my own mess, I must trust I can float with the stormy waters.