With all the greatest intentions and wish for a spiritual awakening I stepped forward on April 1st with a vision. My vision was to be and become a more connected human being. I was to accomplish this via an online group of people doing a month long food cleanse together. We were a group of 7 Southern Hemisphere plus 6 Northern Hemisphere women with an additional wonderful male musician from Italy. It sounded very straight forward and luscious. Together as a group we would fast, meditate and support each other while eliminating nasty foods such as dairy, sugar,meat and coffee etc. What a great way to start lockdown.

So like a keen little participant I followed all the instructions and went cold turkey on cold turkey and deep dived into eating veggies, fruits, drinking smoothies and eating nuts. Man, after one week and many withdrawal headaches the weight came piling off. Weight loss was not my goal. My goal was to rid my temple of toxins and honour my soul with goodness and positivity and feel like a new clean me. But, it’s always nice to feel a bit lighter and float in the air with the ego boosted that yes, I’m losing weight.

At the end of every week we gathered on Zoom to create a space for a workshop. We were never told ahead of time what to expect but I was open to the lessons and wanted to honour my commitment to the group, so keenly joined with eyes wide open. I’m not sure what I was expecting, I think my mind was blank with no expectations. As week one and week two passed I came to realise that the workshop was a sacred place to talk about our emotional progress, awareness and awakening and the class was very positive. The workshops were about creating awareness and connecting to our bodies.

Additionally, we were to partake in a second Zoom call the following day each weekend for a more informal catch up and chat. I felt so many emotions shifts from detoxing, and sharing my insights made me feel enlightened. We were all very valuable, opening up and being supportive to each other.

By the third week I was being to get the feeling of a major shift – and not in a good way. I had somehow, unbeknownst to me started to think I had joined in some kind of eating disorder group. The group chats felt sacred and I didn’t t want to judge anyone especially as we had all let down our guard and were incredibly vulnerable. People were sharing their deepest and darkness burdens and in some way I felt special to be a part of people healing. However, I was now also hearing how fucking shit they really felt about themselves. How much they really felt they were victims and powerless. Issues with ex husband’s, childhood trauma and abuse was freely discussed.

Now, I’ve never seen myself as a victim even, after all the crap been dished out in my life and I’ve never had body issues, but this tone of conversation makes me dark. Pouring out your problems in a group makes me very uncomfortable when there’s a victim mentality. This is when I started to become very confused. I was feeling shame for judging them and was fighting within myself all this torment. I hated myself for the thoughts I had while they poured out their problems. I did want to find something awful in my life to contribute so I confessed to my son being in prison. After revealing this I immediately got the vibe that this was the kind of thing I should not be sharing. I should be only sharing my body issues and self hate.

I felt dark, very dark, very unseen and unheard. However, I wanted to give love a support back and mirror back their courage. I tried to shake off the bad thoughts but really I just wanted the last week to be over.

I dug deep, took a deep breath and exhaled ready for the final chapter and conclusion: a virtual party zoom meet up. We were to say our thank you’s, award ourselves honours for participating and transforming into beautiful butterflies. We clapped and cheered our new found confidence and added fuel to our self driven selfish egos. We were all on fire and totally lit with enthusiasm. It was concluded by the majority that the next step forward in their new life was to put themselves first – in other words to be more selfish and ego driven. Their end note was on a high. We said our good byes.

The parting words to me were ” thanks for bringing your brown energy!”

Er……what the fuck do they mean about brown energy?

On hearing those words in an instant any previous positive inclusiveness transcended into morphing alienation.

Brown bloody energy! Thanks for objectifying me. Thanks for only seeing me skin deep. Go fuck your cleanse and transcending self serving guru shit. You all transformed,top job, congratulations, well done.

I can accumulate in the heavens and float amongst the angels, falling heavily and harshly back to Earth.

Movement matters like a constant current, I’m at the mercy of the moon and stars.

Flowing with the wind and dancing with the breeze I endure the occurrence of change.

Weeping, sometimes weeping .

With stillness and calm I reflect.

I absorb all the offerings of glistening light and cold darknesses.

I mirror back what I see.

Still, sometimes still.

I can suffocate you until you can no long gasp, in motion I can flood my heart with rage, tempered with drowning sorrows.

My surroundings are at my mercy.

But never angry for too long in a blink morphing into a tranquil gentle night where I touch you softly.

Dawn’s thick air I touch your lungs when you breathe deeply.

Gentle, sometimes gentle.

My form is forever changing.

Life wants to play with me and consume me endlessly.

I thought I found my true love, a friend for my soul. My old true love, my first young love, you came back to me.

Reminiscing reigns, our beautiful youthful memories , we connected like no time has passed.

Empowered with warm words I foolishly believed I was your muse.

Bedazzled with warm words my mind would silence and lose all sensibility and the heart ruled.

Your attention and devotion sounded genuine and true. The heart fell for ever word.

So caught up in feelings, I forget to think, I forget pass pains.

Your soft voice whispers sweetness and my vulnerabilities amplify but I surrender to you my love. You are my weakness.

Then from nowhere silence.

That removal is cruel, so unkind and not love, my love.

Leaving me so you can create crisis to avoid commitment, growth, to stalk shallow paths and empty highs.

Inflicting silence as a shock factor, punishment, is this an ending or intermission, you leave me hanging.

Intoxicating love morphed into tears and pain, it is now time to let go…………..forever.

I’m currently doing a 3 day fast online via a support group on Facebook. I normally for a 18/6 fast every day, fast for 18 hours and only eat during a 6 hour timeframe. However, due to a cold damp winter I introduced breakfast back into my day. This resulted with me feeling hungrier than normal, wanting to eat non stop and my moods becoming imbalanced. I recently had 2 massive emotional meltdown downs and endless suicidal thoughts. Hence, a 3 day fast.

So, I’m half way through my fast, I choose to do a broth fast, and already I feel better. The hunger cravings are non existent and emotionally I am calmer. As my mind becomes clearer I am reevaluating my life. Detoxing my body leads to detoxification of the mind. I have been tolerating behaviour from friends that have made me very unhappy which increased my anxiety. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am best to detox the friends list, again.

Fasting can make life easier by making me focused. My body, mind and soul are connected and I’m more confident in my thoughts and feels. Sometimes I can be so lost in life that I can barely get out of bed to face people. My conclusion is that I’d rather be true to myself and on my own than living a life filled with people who don’t really care about me.

Only 36 more hours to go on my fast. Detox, detox, detox…………

Eclipsed by winter’s will the light is now just a shy shadow.

Laying low beneath my beating heart awaiting warmth and a fiery friend.

Come out my shy companion and shine.

The essence wanes in these months of grey sky’s and endless rain.

My soul hides undercover awaiting the illuminating sun.

So dark before the dawn, so much decay before the daffodils.

As 2019 is drawing closer to an end I ask myself to reflect on what lessons I have learnt.

Firstly, there is always brightness to be found in dark situations, no matter how dark the situation is.

Walk, live and breathe with dignity. Living a dignified life will help you sleep better at night. Your shoulders will also not hold so much weight and your body won’t feel so heavy.

Never give up no matter how hard things become. I have been through hell and back with my son’s drug habit and incarceration. Just when I think he is making progress it is short lived and we seem to be back at square one, repeating the same cycle. But, I will not give up on him, even when things seem exasperated.

Good friends are hard to find. I have ended so many friendships this year. Some friends have lied, disrespected and bad mouthed me. I have a three strikes and your out motto. One friend drunkenly flirted with my husband three times and not once has she apologised. Another friend made jealous comments behind my back. I gave her three chances to apologise. Another friend used me and then played the victim when I explained my boundaries. Anyway, down to two friends.

Let go of ego.

Look after your soul and body and be kind to both.

My marriage has had some massive challenges and obstacles. However, with truth and honesty I have overcome these and we have become stronger. We have been together for nearly 20 years and at times we have spoke of separation. Talking openly with truth and honesty we have managed to communicate well, mend and heal. Be brave and honest.

Lastly, family is everything. My focus is on my family. I am going to keep our family strong. My vision is to one day to have a drug rehabilitation centre and I would like my son to be part of that. My mission is to help people with addiction issues and people who have lost their souls to find them.

What lessons have you learnt in 2019? Before the end of the year, I ask that you write these down and reflect.

What is your vision for 20/20?

Today I really need a friend.

I could do with some reassurance.

Instead I lay here on my own, all teary.

I pondered the realisation of wandering alone.

Clearing the old to make way for the new.

Tonight I feel very lonesome.