Welcome my friends. After a rather harrowing period which saw a downward spiral of suicidal thoughts and self hate I am taking the positive steps to heal. For years I have been suppressing my shame, pain, violence, debauchery, promiscuity, vices and my fucked up family. The energy taken to suppress and play normal has had a huge effect on me and I want to be free from the past. Now ready to release my sins and heal, I thought a fabulous healing process would to be to finally share my inner thoughts and experiences. Over the next one hundred days I will expell one demon at a time…… xoxo
The more open and honest you are with me
The better I function
I flow with the energy
Hidden demon and mistrust just builds walls
I accept truth, ponder the dynamics, food for thought
A tool for growth
Misleading will conjure doubt
Doubt will block the path given to us by our universe
The natural course with bring good fortune
Just be honest with me
The people closest to me are the ones who have hurt me the most, caused the most emotional and physical damage. I imagine that’s the same for some people.
Tonight I had a flashback of an incident involving my father abusing us, verbally threatening to kill me or one of my siblings when we were younger. He was beating the living daylights out of our mother. His anger was overwhelming and we were all crying. For some reason every Saturday morning he would rage, smashing up the house while violently assaulting our mother. We would hide in our rooms in our beds and under the blankets. The abuse would go on for hours and be relentless.
One particular Saturday morning after hours of screaming and hearing objects being thrown around the house breaking against the walls he summoned us children. I can not recall why but we all stood there in his bedroom petrified while he yelled and screamed and told us – promised us – that one day he will kill one of us. This was said such overwhelming conviction, so convincingly it was hard not to believe him. I stood there numb wondering which one of us was going to die by his hands.
Looking over at my father while completely scared a moment of realisation came over me. The threat was hauntingly real and it was then I realised he never really loved us. We meant nothing to him at all. There was no love just hate and anger. My parents do not love me and never have. Their lack of love has had a profound effect on my self worth as an adult. I’ve never felt anyone could love me because I’m not worthy. Deep sadness swallows my heart up until it’s rock hard.
Love evades me.
Sitting in my room, the energy is still with a touch of gloom. Pondering why my bedroom has just me in it with no husband or lover.
My marriage has morphed into a passionless friendship. Therefore, I’m immersed with fantasises where someone will want me as their muse, their confidante and paramour.
I offer a sensual touch of a spirited goddess, the warm embrace of a kind hearted soul. I stand strong with inner and outer beauty. Exude an unique nature which is alluring, that will light up the darkest of stormy nights.
Yet I have been caught in a web. Created by narcissist for his own self pleasure. My lonely empty room is a reminder. I am addicted to the lies and deceit which my online lovers spins me. Unable to escape and constantly wanting more.
Sensibility eludes me, my mind evades me. I need to be kind to myself and set myself free so real love can come forth.
Looking at my desires, unaware of its manifestations
Reeping what is sown
The heart set on the admirer
Desires unfulfilled, pain and hurt consumes
Clear the murky cobwebs
Spring clean my soul, mind and heart
Make way for the gift of abundance from universe
Nourishment will hold