I thought I found my true love, a friend for my soul. My old true love, my first young love, you came back to me.

Reminiscing reigns, our beautiful youthful memories , we connected like no time has passed.

Empowered with warm words I foolishly believed I was your muse.

Bedazzled with warm words my mind would silence and lose all sensibility and the heart ruled.

Your attention and devotion sounded genuine and true. The heart fell for ever word.

So caught up in feelings, I forget to think, I forget pass pains.

Your soft voice whispers sweetness and my vulnerabilities amplify but I surrender to you my love. You are my weakness.

Then from nowhere silence.

That removal is cruel, so unkind and not love, my love.

Leaving me so you can create crisis to avoid commitment, growth, to stalk shallow paths and empty highs.

Inflicting silence as a shock factor, punishment, is this an ending or intermission, you leave me hanging.

Intoxicating love morphed into tears and pain, it is now time to let go…………..forever.

I’m currently doing a 3 day fast online via a support group on Facebook. I normally for a 18/6 fast every day, fast for 18 hours and only eat during a 6 hour timeframe. However, due to a cold damp winter I introduced breakfast back into my day. This resulted with me feeling hungrier than normal, wanting to eat non stop and my moods becoming imbalanced. I recently had 2 massive emotional meltdown downs and endless suicidal thoughts. Hence, a 3 day fast.

So, I’m half way through my fast, I choose to do a broth fast, and already I feel better. The hunger cravings are non existent and emotionally I am calmer. As my mind becomes clearer I am reevaluating my life. Detoxing my body leads to detoxification of the mind. I have been tolerating behaviour from friends that have made me very unhappy which increased my anxiety. I’ve come to the conclusion that I am best to detox the friends list, again.

Fasting can make life easier by making me focused. My body, mind and soul are connected and I’m more confident in my thoughts and feels. Sometimes I can be so lost in life that I can barely get out of bed to face people. My conclusion is that I’d rather be true to myself and on my own than living a life filled with people who don’t really care about me.

Only 36 more hours to go on my fast. Detox, detox, detox…………

Eclipsed by winter’s will the light is now just a shy shadow.

Laying low beneath my beating heart awaiting warmth and a fiery friend.

Come out my shy companion and shine.

The essence wanes in these months of grey sky’s and endless rain.

My soul hides undercover awaiting the illuminating sun.

So dark before the dawn, so much decay before the daffodils.

As 2019 is drawing closer to an end I ask myself to reflect on what lessons I have learnt.

Firstly, there is always brightness to be found in dark situations, no matter how dark the situation is.

Walk, live and breathe with dignity. Living a dignified life will help you sleep better at night. Your shoulders will also not hold so much weight and your body won’t feel so heavy.

Never give up no matter how hard things become. I have been through hell and back with my son’s drug habit and incarceration. Just when I think he is making progress it is short lived and we seem to be back at square one, repeating the same cycle. But, I will not give up on him, even when things seem exasperated.

Good friends are hard to find. I have ended so many friendships this year. Some friends have lied, disrespected and bad mouthed me. I have a three strikes and your out motto. One friend drunkenly flirted with my husband three times and not once has she apologised. Another friend made jealous comments behind my back. I gave her three chances to apologise. Another friend used me and then played the victim when I explained my boundaries. Anyway, down to two friends.

Let go of ego.

Look after your soul and body and be kind to both.

My marriage has had some massive challenges and obstacles. However, with truth and honesty I have overcome these and we have become stronger. We have been together for nearly 20 years and at times we have spoke of separation. Talking openly with truth and honesty we have managed to communicate well, mend and heal. Be brave and honest.

Lastly, family is everything. My focus is on my family. I am going to keep our family strong. My vision is to one day to have a drug rehabilitation centre and I would like my son to be part of that. My mission is to help people with addiction issues and people who have lost their souls to find them.

What lessons have you learnt in 2019? Before the end of the year, I ask that you write these down and reflect.

What is your vision for 20/20?

Today I really need a friend.

I could do with some reassurance.

Instead I lay here on my own, all teary.

I pondered the realisation of wandering alone.

Clearing the old to make way for the new.

Tonight I feel very lonesome.

Our Heaven and our Earth depart from each other.

My soul’s dignity commands a new direction.

The truth leads us away from our polarised path.

As your hearts energy ceased to flow, I stumble with this thought.

My passionate spirit is wanting better.

A mirrored kindred dancing soul!

Difficult trials as I hold to my course, the moon lights my way.

March pass killing fields where lay drama queens and dead poets,

boring, bland bitches and curious old whispered legends.

I take my journey far from your no mans land of silent purgatory and shadowing of light.

I transcend my dignity up bright and far from my inferior invaders.

“My soul, where are you? Do you hear me? I speak, I call you – are you there? I have returned, I am here again. I have shaken the dust of all the lands from my feet, and I have come to you, I am with you. After long years of long wandering, I have come to you again. Should I tell you everything I have seen, experienced, and drunk in? Or do you not want to hear about all the noise of life and the world? But one thing you must know: the one thing I have learned is that one must live this life. Do you still know me? How long the separation lasted! Everything has become so different. And how did I find you? How strange my journey was! What words should I use to tell you on what twisted paths a good star has guided me to you? Give me your hand, my almost forgotten soul. How warm the joy at seeing you again, you long disavowed soul. Life has led me back to you. Let us thank the life I have lived for all the happy and all the sad hours, for every joy, for every sadness. My soul, my journey should continue with you. I will wander with you and ascend to my solitude.”
― C.G. Jung, The Red Book: Liber Novus

I absolutely love this passage.

Do you know your soul?

I lost mine but found it a few months ago and now we are best friends. It was the most friendliest homecoming inside me. I’m stronger and happier more now than ever. I love my soul.