Welcome my friends. After a rather harrowing period which saw a downward spiral of suicidal thoughts and self hate I am taking the positive steps to heal. For years I have been suppressing my shame, pain, violence, debauchery, promiscuity, vices and my fucked up family. The energy taken to suppress and play normal has had a huge effect on me and I want to be free from the past. Now ready to release my sins and heal, I thought a fabulous healing process would to be to finally share my inner thoughts and experiences. Over the next one hundred days I will expell one demon at a time…… xoxo
Every night I sleep alone and every day I live with an empty space in my heart. Emotionally I have been abandoned by my husband which is very confusing, vague and hard to understand. The emotional distance between us has increased to the point that our love is lacking an essential intimacy — the tenderness of words, actions and thoughts. This type of gentle intimacy I know is attainable but seems so distance and unreachable. I ache for a kiss, a hug and some caring words. At night I silently cry and slowly the tears stream down my cheek.
Sincerity is the stirring of my authenticity. I stand in front of him baring my soul and sincerity and be real as I can be. It is something, which is shaped by my feelings, not my mind. I stand there day after day hoping an opening will occur in his heart. It’s lonely when when he doesn’t acknowledge my presence or my smiles.
The master said: “nourish what is for the belly and not the eye.” I am reminded to do what nourishes and does not deplete me.
I lay here pondering my own loneliness and lack of a companion. Contemplating different solutions raises more questions about what I am missing.
Whatever has left me feeling empty will lead me in the pursuit of instant gratification, as an endless cycle of fulfilling what is missing. When I find myself drawn to this gratification process, I can be certain that something more fundamental remains unfulfilled within.
In my marriage I walk alone, shed tears alone, laugh alone and go to sleep alone. This institution is bleak, the foundations crumbling on one side whilst supported by the other side.