Hello and Greetings

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Welcome my friends.  After a rather harrowing  period which saw a downward spiral of suicidal thoughts and self hate I am taking the positive steps to heal. For years I have been suppressing my shame, pain, violence, debauchery,  promiscuity, vices and my fucked up family.  The energy taken to suppress and play normal has had a huge effect on me and I want to be free from the past.  Now ready to release my sins and heal, I thought a fabulous healing process would to be to finally share my inner thoughts and experiences. Over the next one hundred days I will expell one demon at a time…… xoxo

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My friendenemy

(My friendenemy, were friends, aren’t now, but socialise together as we share the same friends)

A friendenemy believes that just because I am happy, calm and positive, I have not and do not struggle with any personal demons.

Your judgment and criticism is welcomed, an opportunity for me to reflect.

I accept that you choose to shrink when sitting next to me to play the victim hoping to gain sympathy and a reaction.

But, simply I see this as manipulation to get your own way. Hence, why we are not friends.

Playing the victim is boring to me. I would respect you should you show me your strength.

You used me and I decided to distance myself.  Now you’re trying to use my goodwill and strength against me.

Every struggle and hardship has made me stronger, wiser, healthier person and the woman I am today.

I have made mistakes but learnt from them.

My laughter is my medicine.

My calm approach is a reflection that I am using patience and knowledge before reacting.

My positive manner is a skill I use to find solutions for problems.

To be strong is to struggle with your own personal demons.

Overcoming hurt, pain and hardship has freed me.

The lessons were needed, my mind is peaceful and heart open. I have no regrets in my life.

The difference between me and my friend is I have overcome my demons.

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10 Sins

  1. Had anal sex with my ex-brother inlaw on the stair well of a pub.
  2. Had an affair with my sister’s long term partner.
  3. Use to taxi over to my ex boyfriend house and have sex with him while his current girlfriend was asleep in the next room.
  4. Have lusted for two men in the last 11 or so years, one being my current brother inlaw. I feel super guilty about this and know how inappropriate it is.
  5. Second being a super hot guy at the local gym who is young (24) enough to be my son.
  6. Had sex with three different men in one night at each of their homes.
  7. Slept with my husband’s best friend.
  8. I have never been faithful in any of my relationships.
  9. Am addicted to porn.
  10. Masterbate regularly.
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Teen pregnancy and homeless

img_4612-2Today I celebrate my eldest sons birthday, he is 25 years old. I thought the day would feel joyous but instead I reflected and cried.

My tears are for all my struggles and adversity that I have faced. It was 25 years ago that I was made homeless, kicked out of the family home for being pregnant. I was told to leave my family home one week after turning 18. I left the house with only the clothes I was wearing. I cried all the way up the street to the bus stop where I continued to cry. I cried so much I missed the next 3 buses, I just sat there balling my eyes with no composure and unsure what to do. Having finally calmed down I bused to my friends house to ask for a bed for the night. She agreed I could stay, but her flat mates were not happy and voiced their opinions. They didn’t want a pregnant teen who had no money staying. That night was lonely and the room felt dark and empty. I was hoping the flat mates would change their minds but did not happen.

Continue reading “Teen pregnancy and homeless” →

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When friendships go downhill.

Recently I killed off two friendships and for two very different reasons. We were tight as thieves, catching up every few days for coffee, drinks and a big gossip. At first it felt very sisterhood, supporting each other, laughing together and really bonding. There were endless nights of gin drinking, deep secret sharing and staggered home after one too many. I felt so lucky to finally have a women friendship circle.

What could test those bonds, rattle our friendship and end all communication forever? Well, friend1 revelled a dark side, a sinful lust and deprave allure. It didn’t immediately click in my mind the little immoral hints she kept repeating. Then one manic Sunday afternoon she blurted out that her friend, a male in his later 50’s, regularly’s molests local young teenage boys. And, to shock me further she added that she saw no issues with this and defended his actions. As I sat there in shock I found my words lost and my heart break. In that split second I found I no longer knew my friend and our worlds far apart.

Continue reading “When friendships go downhill.” →

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Paying for sex

Previously mentioned, I spent my teens working in my mother’s brothel as a receptionist. My day consisted of answering telephones while trying to sound alluring in a provocative sexy whisper (hindsight tells me my young innocent girlie voice was what probably what caught punters attention), and booking appointments etc. It was a fairly easy job and not many difficulties arose. If there was any it was mainly from the sour puss pampered girls themselves who didn’t like being told by a 16 year old what to do or who to fuck. And, sometimes my boyfriend would ring as a joke pretending to be a customer to trick me into describing the girls, which made me feel embarrassed but no doubt turned him on as he would have a massive laugh.

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Does mother know best?

During my early to mid teens my mother, who was raising four children on her own, was struggling financially. This lead her to taking up a position as receptionist at the city’s largest and most popular brothel. She worked nights so we didn’t see her much -this was basically the end of her parenting us. We really never saw her, she slept during the day, but cash was truly flowing. Our flat was city central until we upgraded right next door of the massage parlour and bang smack in town. Continue reading “Does mother know best?” →

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What are your triggers?

For the last few weeks my life feels like a dizzy blur of intoxication. I can barely remember what I did last week let alone yesterday. My heart races and vision flickers while a million thoughts consumes my consciousness. Life mimics a marathon on a tread mill that never stops. I suffer from manic and depressive episodes, at least once every six months to 18 months, and right now my mind is swirling and the anxiety raising.

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The invisible hand

A long time ago when I worked in finance and group of my work colleagues and I had a few drinks one night after a hard day. We were all at a new trendy local bar sampling Asian cuisine food and locals wines.  One of the women who attended was a real piece of work but she was also very charming. She was lazy, spent most day hung-over and flirted with the male upper management so she could get promoted. As I was very hard working, and did more than my fair share of the teams work, I began to resent her.  But, that evening was very relaxed and enjoyable.

The following Monday she came to work extremely upset, confused and spent all weekend crying. She tearfully explained that her car had been vandalised! I really empathised with her situation as it was such a horrid thing to have happened. Our natural reaction was shock, horror and outrage. So, being the lovely sales team that we were we, (me included) sympathetically tried to help her figure out the culprit.  For weeks our sales team would gossip and point the figure at our work mates and come up with wild explanations. It was truly awful that someone could do something so nasty and we all really felt for her. It seemed a real mystery that no one could solve.  My theory was that some youths walked passed indiscriminately and carried out a random act of vandalism.

Continue reading “The invisible hand” →

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