Hello and Greetings

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Welcome my friends.  After a rather harrowing  period which saw a downward spiral of suicidal thoughts and self hate I am taking the positive steps to heal. For years I have been suppressing my shame, pain, violence, debauchery,  promiscuity, vices and my fucked up family.  The energy taken to suppress and play normal has had a huge effect on me and I want to be free from the past.  Now ready to release my sins and heal, I thought a fabulous healing process would to be to finally share my inner thoughts and experiences. Over the next one hundred days I will expell one demon at a time…… xoxo

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Quote – C.G. Jung, The Red Book: Liber Novus


“My soul, where are you? Do you hear me? I speak, I call you – are you there? I have returned, I am here again. I have shaken the dust of all the lands from my feet, and I have come to you, I am with you. After long years of long wandering, I have come to you again. Should I tell you everything I have seen, experienced, and drunk in? Or do you not want to hear about all the noise of life and the world? But one thing you must know: the one thing I have learned is that one must live this life. Do you still know me? How long the separation lasted! Everything has become so different. And how did I find you? How strange my journey was! What words should I use to tell you on what twisted paths a good star has guided me to you? Give me your hand, my almost forgotten soul. How warm the joy at seeing you again, you long disavowed soul. Life has led me back to you. Let us thank the life I have lived for all the happy and all the sad hours, for every joy, for every sadness. My soul, my journey should continue with you. I will wander with you and ascend to my solitude.”
― C.G. Jung, The Red Book: Liber Novus

I absolutely love this passage.

Do you know your soul?

I lost mine but found it a few months ago and now we are best friends. It was the most friendliest homecoming inside me. I’m stronger and happier more now than ever. I love my soul.

My place called home

My nomadic nature moves with the wind

At the pace of water

My soul dances with flow from my beating heart

I sleep where I lay

Wondering the adventurous of known and unknown

Floating, sometimes stomping

Breathing, sometimes suffocating

I live life and keep moving

I thought home was where ever I was happy

But, today found out home is in your arms

A new way forward

My future will include

Nurture

Love

Respect

Companionship

Adventure

Being kind to myself and caring of my soul

I say goodbye too

Second guessing myself

Malice

Deceit

Disrespect

Addiction

And stress

Intense pleasure, immense pain. Part One

Twenty years ago when I was at a cross road regarding my future. One path was to get back with my old flame, who I have a drug past with, who came close to killing me in an automobile accident, whose acquaintance raped me and made me lose my soul. The other path was to create a life with a gentle, kind and handsome Welsh boy that I met whilst on an overseas trip.

Now, never one to opt for an easy journey I first choose the Welsh boy who’s so handsome with a massive heart and impressive big willy. But, while waiting for my Welsh Knight in shining armour I thought it a rather brilliant idea to have my bad ass exboyfriend help keep my bed warm until the Knight flew in from overseas.

The old flame dutifully warmed my bed and dutifully fucked me. I soon had those old feelings back, I was back in love with him and fully prepared to let him make an honest women out of me. I had visions of us riding off into the sunset and being together forever. My ex had promised to take me out for a romantic dinner and I was so full of joy, jumping with excitement. Wow, he was really showing signs of being really serious with me. So I got all dressed up and made my hair real pretty and waited. Two days I waited! Two days! It was then it dawned on me that perhaps he didn’t really love me and I was pissed at myself for being naive. When he finally did show his muggy face it turns outs that bad ass ex was also seeing Bubbles the stripper. He was now keeping her bed warm. I recall him gleefully describing playing with her nipples and sharing this with me like I was one of the lads. Oh, yeah he also had a girlfriend! I was part of a love square! My feeling were smashed into bits and thrown to the cold wind to blow straight back into my face to slap me hard. My body went stone cold in a split second. The immense pain was turning my heart dark, I felt like a complete fool. In that moment new I was done for good. Never mind though, I told myself, my Knight was due to arrive soon. I just pretended those last few weeks never happened and buried it deep to save my pride and ego. It’s like nothing ever happened.

Finally my Knight arrives and we spend the next few weeks having passionate, glorious quivering sex for hours, with such intense pleasure. Mr Knight who was originally my plan A, then my plan B (when my ex turned up in my life again) was soon my plan A again and my life journey felt like it was back on track, full steam ahead. All was going marvellously until I realised my period hadn’t arrived. I was excited but worried as a pregnancy this early in a new relationship wasn’t what I had planned and I didn’t want this new journey to get complicated. Off to the doctors for the routine check up was next. I laid on the table for an internal examination expecting to have my dates confirmed to be about 6 weeks. But, no, not 6 weeks along, I was 3 months along! Shit!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, terminated pregnancy, cried, married the Knight, had 4 more children, and thought the journey with the Knight was set in stone for a happily ever after………….

(to be continued)

When going to the gym starts paying off.

When a handsome demigod with a physique of a Spartan warrior and the face of a GQ model came prancing into the local gym I totally creamed my knickers instantly. Now, I have been a gym bunny off and on for over a decade and a half and have therefore have seen my fair share of fit men. However, there was something uniquely special about this man, he totally took my breath away.

Continue reading “When going to the gym starts paying off.”

Tonight, some soul…..Bad Girl by Lee Moses

This is a song about a bad girl

Something that happened to me long time ago

Everybody was telling me how the little girl was running around

I had a head of my own

and I just wouldn’t listen to nobody

my father he told me

my mother sat down and cried

said son this woman will break your heart

and then she’ll put you down

that’s when I told mama these words

lord have mercy

baaaaaad girl mama

bad, bad girl

mama they call her bad girl

all because she wanted to be free

but i’m in love with the little girl

and i believe that she loves me.

what my heart feels

my lips must confess

so I will never let her alone

i don’t care if they call her bad

bad girl, mama

lord have mercy

bad, bad girl

love is a mystery

never can be explained by anything

but i believe one of these days

the whole world will understand

what my heart feels

my lips must confess

so i will

never let that little girl alone

i don’t care if they call her bad

bad girl

you better believe it, mama

 

You are about to receive a call……

It never gets easier been told your loved one has been incarcerated.

Every telephone call breaks the heart a little more.

It never gets any easier knowing they’re slowing falling down the rabbit hole further.

So, every good memory slowly fades while realities slaps sore.

Prison skipped a whole generation but it soon caught up with the next.

So, every tear shed holds my pain, shame and despair.

Why do governments pay thousands to incarcerate?

Wouldn’t funding prevention be money better spent?

Why do so many vulnerable young men end up in prison?

Why do so many mental health suffers end up in prison?

My isolated month

Soul repairing the carnage

Hiding hurt, taking cover under bed covers

Avoiding deceit , lies prance and parade themselves, howling to the moon

Energy vampires, sucking my essence, feeding off the stench of their false self importance

I regret you all.

Stilling winds, quiet places, I die and vanish beneath the abandonment

I reject you all.

Rhythmic beats awake my desire, my heart hears nature’s call

Standing alone, raising palms to the sun

I call my name and walk again.

Clinging

Flames hang on to their fuel in order to keep the fire burning. Likewise, in the human world, everything that radiates light or love is dependent upon something else. Through the webs of our interdependence, we see that everything is related, each thing to the other. Awareness of your attachment to other people is the key that opens the door to knowing your true place in the world. No human is an island.

Fire is also a symbol of liberation — crackling molecules that fly away from home. Paradoxically, by clinging to what is natural and appropriate, we gain inner freedom.

Clarity of mind is most valuable when its light illuminates events slowly and evenly. True intelligence must be tied to sincerity and genuine feeling; otherwise, it will burn itself out like a fire in dry straw. Those in possession of brilliance should learn to temper their insights, so as not to arouse enmity in others. Those who are restless and impatient with others may rise to prominence quickly, but are likely to descend just as rapidly. It is possible to be too clever.

Clarity of vision can empower you to penetrate the veil of life’s illusions. This can bring good fortune, if such a vision is accompanied by a change of heart and you let go of delusion. Once the vanity of human endeavors becomes clear, one of two extremes can happen. Either you continue to struggle for life’s rewards as if they were real or you find yourself falling into the depths of despair. But after despair, then what?

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