Mean Girls

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Something I beat myself up about is the shame and embarrassment of being raped.  Having had at least half a dozen experiences of sex being forced on me, like many women, left me feeling worthless and unlovable.  However, one particular instance rocked my world for many reasons.

I was drugged by someone I knew in my son’s grandmothers home.  Her house was meant to be a safe place, a home away from home, but it now become a crime scene. He put the date rape drug in my beer.  At the time I thought was so weird that he was offering me an opened can of beer.  Oh, geez …….if only I had listened to my intuition!  Waking up to find his weight on top of me with his dick inside of my vigina was surreal and shocking and I was confused.  I did go to the police and a court case followed.

Within 72 hours afterwards I began self-medicating with illicit drugs.  For many years after I would wake up from nightmares screaming and having panic attacks.  Years of counselling followed as well, in all different forms and I did finally found peace within myself. I forgave myself.  But, the most disturbing and disappointing aspect was my treatment from other women, their judgement and  social prosecution of me and my character.

My boyfriend, the police, male family members and male friends offered empathy, love, support and  retaliation.   My rapists home was even burnt down (which my family were blamed for, but I believe karma did that).  I am so grateful for these wonderful men for being so loyal afterwards.  The same can not be said for the women in my life who made my life unbearable.

My own mother thought I lied about the whole incident, my mother in-law thought I should shut my mouth and say nothing, while my girlfriends treated it as some gossipy drama and even laughed about it to my face, asking me if it was true!  The host of a party once announced to the all women attendees that I was not to be believed (turns out later my rapist did the same to her daughter years later).  Not one mother fucking female ever had my back!

So, turns out my rapist and being raped wasn’t the worst part, it was all you bitches! Fuck you for not believing in me, for not supporting me, for not protecting me and fuck you all for making my life hell.  Bitches.

 

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