An online transformation experience

With all the greatest intentions and wish for a spiritual awakening I stepped forward on April 1st with a vision. My vision was to be and become a more connected human being. I was to accomplish this via an online group of people doing a month long food cleanse together. We were a group of 7 Southern Hemisphere plus 6 Northern Hemisphere women with an additional wonderful male musician from Italy. It sounded very straight forward and luscious. Together as a group we would fast, meditate and support each other while eliminating nasty foods such as dairy, sugar,meat and coffee etc. What a great way to start lockdown.

So like a keen little participant I followed all the instructions and went cold turkey on cold turkey and deep dived into eating veggies, fruits, drinking smoothies and eating nuts. Man, after one week and many withdrawal headaches the weight came piling off. Weight loss was not my goal. My goal was to rid my temple of toxins and honour my soul with goodness and positivity and feel like a new clean me. But, it’s always nice to feel a bit lighter and float in the air with the ego boosted that yes, I’m losing weight.

At the end of every week we gathered on Zoom to create a space for a workshop. We were never told ahead of time what to expect but I was open to the lessons and wanted to honour my commitment to the group, so keenly joined with eyes wide open. I’m not sure what I was expecting, I think my mind was blank with no expectations. As week one and week two passed I came to realise that the workshop was a sacred place to talk about our emotional progress, awareness and awakening and the class was very positive. The workshops were about creating awareness and connecting to our bodies.

Additionally, we were to partake in a second Zoom call the following day each weekend for a more informal catch up and chat. I felt so many emotions shifts from detoxing, and sharing my insights made me feel enlightened. We were all very valuable, opening up and being supportive to each other.

By the third week I was being to get the feeling of a major shift – and not in a good way. I had somehow, unbeknownst to me started to think I had joined in some kind of eating disorder group. The group chats felt sacred and I didn’t t want to judge anyone especially as we had all let down our guard and were incredibly vulnerable. People were sharing their deepest and darkness burdens and in some way I felt special to be a part of people healing. However, I was now also hearing how fucking shit they really felt about themselves. How much they really felt they were victims and powerless. Issues with ex husband’s, childhood trauma and abuse was freely discussed.

Now, I’ve never seen myself as a victim even, after all the crap been dished out in my life and I’ve never had body issues, but this tone of conversation makes me dark. Pouring out your problems in a group makes me very uncomfortable when there’s a victim mentality. This is when I started to become very confused. I was feeling shame for judging them and was fighting within myself all this torment. I hated myself for the thoughts I had while they poured out their problems. I did want to find something awful in my life to contribute so I confessed to my son being in prison. After revealing this I immediately got the vibe that this was the kind of thing I should not be sharing. I should be only sharing my body issues and self hate.

I felt dark, very dark, very unseen and unheard. However, I wanted to give love a support back and mirror back their courage. I tried to shake off the bad thoughts but really I just wanted the last week to be over.

I dug deep, took a deep breath and exhaled ready for the final chapter and conclusion: a virtual party zoom meet up. We were to say our thank you’s, award ourselves honours for participating and transforming into beautiful butterflies. We clapped and cheered our new found confidence and added fuel to our self driven selfish egos. We were all on fire and totally lit with enthusiasm. It was concluded by the majority that the next step forward in their new life was to put themselves first – in other words to be more selfish and ego driven. Their end note was on a high. We said our good byes.

The parting words to me were ” thanks for bringing your brown energy!”

Er……what the fuck do they mean about brown energy?

On hearing those words in an instant any previous positive inclusiveness transcended into morphing alienation.

Brown bloody energy! Thanks for objectifying me. Thanks for only seeing me skin deep. Go fuck your cleanse and transcending self serving guru shit. You all transformed,top job, congratulations, well done.

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