2020 rolls towards an end………finally!

Balance

I celebrated the turn of the New Year having an evening with my husband. The house was quiet and calm with a cosy feeling. Early in the night we took some hallucinations, played some backgammon followed by sex on an exercise ball whilst laughing hysterically. I kept visualising the colour of green emeralds as he pumped away at me. The night seemed long and conversation was deep. As the psychedelics wore off later I lay awake thinking of what I wanted to achieve in 2020. There was an incredible desire for change and I begged to the universe for Devine intervention. I wanted some change to the world and normal routine. My life felt a bit dull and I was tiring of school runs, school run ins and just wanted to hide.

January- March, I have an ongoing illness and am finding it hard to breathe. At one point I think I’m going to die as I struggle for air. For months I battle fatigue and spend days in bed feeling miserable. Could this have be COVID-19?

April – was a productive month which sees me participate with an online Zoom fast. Cleanse my body to bring my closer to my soul with healthy habits and emotional purging.

THEN LOCKDOWN!

Last week of April – eldest son incarcerated. The start of sleepless nights and constant worries. He’s been held of remand but gets sentenced and sent down to maximum prison.

May to October- regular contact with my ex boyfriend from 25 years ago keep me both busy during lockdown but also purging of past attachments and worn out fantasies. I truly thought he was my true and only love. Blindly I thought we would marry and be together forever. Week by week I grew to learn the new Greg and he was just like the old Greg but more amplified. It began with him love bombing me. I was addicted and hooked. After committing hours upon hours of video calls and messaging there appeared to be a codependent relationship forming. He disparately needed my input regarding his daily life and I was only to willing to help. His confession was that he was still a drug user and shooting up meth daily. He had two major court hearings in relations to dangerous driving. He was essentially homeless living in a make shift room in a friends barn. But, I loved him and all of this did not ring alarms bells, at all! Having gotten off drugs myself I understood his pain, the journey and I committed myself to helping him get clean. What helped me get clean was LSD so I posted him some half way across the world. But this was only part of the process, the other half was us reconciling our past. He had in fact, 25 years earlier tried to kill me by driving me into a power pole at a high speed in a jealous rage for kissing his hot mate. That fateful night began with us vowing to get off drugs but it snowballed into big pile of shit. I woke to find myself laying on the ground after being thrown out of the car with blood trickling down my throat just before I again passed out. I couldn’t move my body but could hear the fake cry’s of my boyfriend screaming for me. The police dragged him away kicking, screaming and punching them as I was wheeled into the ambulance. I really thought that was my life over. He was arrested, charged and did time in prison. That night haunted us both, guilt from him, my own guilt and a tremendous amount of shame and embarrassment. Plus, heart break, our relationship was now over for good. Anyway, fast forward 25 years it was now time to amend the past.

So, I have bucket loads of empathy for Greg and was 100% committed to helping him get clean and start living a dignified life. But with that sort of committed it blinds you to peoples faults. About 3-4 months into our regular chats I had notice that new Greg was morphing into old Greg. Old Greg would would say things to unbalance me, make picky comments about the way I dressed or degrading statements about my character. It starts off small but slowly becomes regular. Now, I’m a grown women with pride and strength, so these comments were challenged. We began to argue regularly but would also make up after detailed explaining from me regarding boundaries and manners. He was making so much progress on his sobriety after taking the acid that I didn’t want a relapse. He now had employment, was going on walks regularly. We shared these moments together via video calls and he would take me to see the farm animals and we would chat for hours. But, old Greg would still bite at me, attack me and be mean to me. Eventually he confessed he was seeing a new women who was an old friend, his ex fiancé’s best friend. I had an epiphany. He no longer needed me. He had in fact turned his life around and was living a life with dignity. I in turn had righted my wrongs of decades ago. Our paths in life had merged and we were able to heal. As fast as he had reentered my life he then swiftly exited, I had to blocked him as he yelled at me, but I do believe it was meant to be and a divine gift from the universe.

June – Start writing to prison pen pals, very enlightening and the process is keeping me busy.

July – a trip to Corfu, a beautiful humble island with gorgeous people and an abundance of history. The air is full of freedom and spiritual energy. I found my ideal home away from home and can see myself living here while writing, swimming and sleeping on the warm ancient pillars of Doric temples.

August – finally my eldest son is released from prison. I can sleep now.

October – A quick weekend trip to Mallorca, Spain. In the midst of a pandemic I am greeted with an empty flight, empty hotels, empty beaches and empty streets. I find this rather rewarding as I have a adverse reaction to crowds. The weather is overcast and raining at times. The trip is amazing and I see most of the island and visit a few towns.

THEN LOCKDOWN!

November – the second lockdown is now here. Day one and two see my spiral into depression. The gym is closed which is my life line for my bipolar. It’s getting cold here and walking in the wet, freezing weather makes my fibromyalgia kick off. Depression combined with fibromyalgia and no exercise outlet brings on a manic episode. Yes, the start of a manic episode, every idea I have is a brilliant idea, no one can talk sense to me and I’m full of energy with very little sleep. So, I make an online account to seek an affair……..and yes isn’t that the most fabulous thing to do especially whilst married! My commitment is unstoppable and yes I succeeded in finding myself a lover. Being married doesn’t seem to be an obstacle and seeing my poor husband’s displeasure also does not unhinged me.

Funnily, the first person I started messaging was the first person who I sparked with. What I liked the most was that he was very patient with me. I was new to online dating and needed time to find my feet. He wanted to sex chat which I initially hadn’t realised. As he gave me tips to take steps towards sexting I immediately found my groove. Within half an hour he was sending dick pics and we were arousing each other with various sexual fantasies. Within days I returned the kind gesture of photos of myself, mostly naked, okay all naked. I found myself so comfortable that soon I was sending videos of myself doing all sorts of things. Then suddenly it began to dawn on me, as the bipolar faded, the security issues of sending explicit content. Is he who he says he is? What will he do with all those images. Eek……….errr…..have I gotten carried away? How comprised was I? Heck, what was I doing? What had I done!

I really need 2020 to come to and end. This really has been quite a year. Here’s hoping 2021 is more calm…..a quieter year!

What are your hopes and expectations for 2021?

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Published by Queen Sina

Important to me = family, adventure, music, freedom, nature and travel........ I spend my time paddle boarding, kayaking, do charity work and am always keen to learn new things with my family. I love working out and daydreaming. I spend most of my time feeling confused and trying to figure shit out. I’m introverted but most people think I’m the opposite. My ambitions are to be a calmer and free.......have endless adventures and interesting days. Most of all I love my family.

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