As 2019 is drawing closer to an end I ask myself to reflect on what lessons I have learnt.

Firstly, there is always brightness to be found in dark situations, no matter how dark the situation is.

Walk, live and breathe with dignity. Living a dignified life will help you sleep better at night. Your shoulders will also not hold so much weight and your body won’t feel so heavy.

Never give up no matter how hard things become. I have been through hell and back with my son’s drug habit and incarceration. Just when I think he is making progress it is short lived and we seem to be back at square one, repeating the same cycle. But, I will not give up on him, even when things seem exasperated.

Good friends are hard to find. I have ended so many friendships this year. Some friends have lied, disrespected and bad mouthed me. I have a three strikes and your out motto. One friend drunkenly flirted with my husband three times and not once has she apologised. Another friend made jealous comments behind my back. I gave her three chances to apologise. Another friend used me and then played the victim when I explained my boundaries. Anyway, down to two friends.

Let go of ego.

Look after your soul and body and be kind to both.

My marriage has had some massive challenges and obstacles. However, with truth and honesty I have overcome these and we have become stronger. We have been together for nearly 20 years and at times we have spoke of separation. Talking openly with truth and honesty we have managed to communicate well, mend and heal. Be brave and honest.

Lastly, family is everything. My focus is on my family. I am going to keep our family strong. My vision is to one day to have a drug rehabilitation centre and I would like my son to be part of that. My mission is to help people with addiction issues and people who have lost their souls to find them.

What lessons have you learnt in 2019? Before the end of the year, I ask that you write these down and reflect.

What is your vision for 20/20?

Today I really need a friend.

I could do with some reassurance.

Instead I lay here on my own, all teary.

I pondered the realisation of wandering alone.

Clearing the old to make way for the new.

Tonight I feel very lonesome.

Our Heaven and our Earth depart from each other.

My soul’s dignity commands a new direction.

The truth leads us away from our polarised path.

As your hearts energy ceased to flow, I stumble with this thought.

My passionate spirit is wanting better.

A mirrored kindred dancing soul!

Difficult trials as I hold to my course, the moon lights my way.

March pass killing fields where lay drama queens and dead poets,

boring, bland bitches and curious old whispered legends.

I take my journey far from your no mans land of silent purgatory and shadowing of light.

I transcend my dignity up bright and far from my inferior invaders.

“My soul, where are you? Do you hear me? I speak, I call you – are you there? I have returned, I am here again. I have shaken the dust of all the lands from my feet, and I have come to you, I am with you. After long years of long wandering, I have come to you again. Should I tell you everything I have seen, experienced, and drunk in? Or do you not want to hear about all the noise of life and the world? But one thing you must know: the one thing I have learned is that one must live this life. Do you still know me? How long the separation lasted! Everything has become so different. And how did I find you? How strange my journey was! What words should I use to tell you on what twisted paths a good star has guided me to you? Give me your hand, my almost forgotten soul. How warm the joy at seeing you again, you long disavowed soul. Life has led me back to you. Let us thank the life I have lived for all the happy and all the sad hours, for every joy, for every sadness. My soul, my journey should continue with you. I will wander with you and ascend to my solitude.”
― C.G. Jung, The Red Book: Liber Novus

I absolutely love this passage.

Do you know your soul?

I lost mine but found it a few months ago and now we are best friends. It was the most friendliest homecoming inside me. I’m stronger and happier more now than ever. I love my soul.

My nomadic nature moves with the wind

At the pace of water

My soul dances with flow from my beating heart

I sleep where I lay

Wondering the adventurous of known and unknown

Floating, sometimes stomping

Breathing, sometimes suffocating

I live life and keep moving

I thought home was where ever I was happy

But, today found out home is in your arms

My future will include

Nurture

Love

Respect

Companionship

Adventure

Being kind to myself and caring of my soul

I say goodbye too

Second guessing myself

Malice

Deceit

Disrespect

Addiction

And stress

Twenty years ago when I was at a cross road regarding my future. One path was to get back with my old flame, who I have a drug past with, who came close to killing me in an automobile accident, whose acquaintance raped me and made me lose my soul. The other path was to create a life with a gentle, kind and handsome Welsh boy that I met whilst on an overseas trip.

Now, never one to opt for an easy journey I first choose the Welsh boy who’s so handsome with a massive heart and impressive big willy. But, while waiting for my Welsh Knight in shining armour I thought it a rather brilliant idea to have my bad ass exboyfriend help keep my bed warm until the Knight flew in from overseas.

The old flame dutifully warmed my bed and dutifully fucked me. I soon had those old feelings back, I was back in love with him and fully prepared to let him make an honest women out of me. I had visions of us riding off into the sunset and being together forever. My ex had promised to take me out for a romantic dinner and I was so full of joy, jumping with excitement. Wow, he was really showing signs of being really serious with me. So I got all dressed up and made my hair real pretty and waited. Two days I waited! Two days! It was then it dawned on me that perhaps he didn’t really love me and I was pissed at myself for being naive. When he finally did show his muggy face it turns outs that bad ass ex was also seeing Bubbles the stripper. He was now keeping her bed warm. I recall him gleefully describing playing with her nipples and sharing this with me like I was one of the lads. Oh, yeah he also had a girlfriend! I was part of a love square! My feeling were smashed into bits and thrown to the cold wind to blow straight back into my face to slap me hard. My body went stone cold in a split second. The immense pain was turning my heart dark, I felt like a complete fool. In that moment new I was done for good. Never mind though, I told myself, my Knight was due to arrive soon. I just pretended those last few weeks never happened and buried it deep to save my pride and ego. It’s like nothing ever happened.

Finally my Knight arrives and we spend the next few weeks having passionate, glorious quivering sex for hours, with such intense pleasure. Mr Knight who was originally my plan A, then my plan B (when my ex turned up in my life again) was soon my plan A again and my life journey felt like it was back on track, full steam ahead. All was going marvellously until I realised my period hadn’t arrived. I was excited but worried as a pregnancy this early in a new relationship wasn’t what I had planned and I didn’t want this new journey to get complicated. Off to the doctors for the routine check up was next. I laid on the table for an internal examination expecting to have my dates confirmed to be about 6 weeks. But, no, not 6 weeks along, I was 3 months along! Shit!

Anyway, to cut a long story short, terminated pregnancy, cried, married the Knight, had 4 more children, and thought the journey with the Knight was set in stone for a happily ever after………….

(to be continued)