Marriage – sometimes love, sometimes hate…..

A few months ago I was suffering from long term stress and anxiety which resulted in a panic attack and deep depression (okay, I wanted to end my life) . The frustrations that seeped down to every cell in my body manifest to a state where breathing was unbearable. For months my days swirled with emotional highs and lows. I no longer recognised myself physical or emotional self and I was very worried I’d lost the plot so much so I began to worry that this is who I was now.

Feeling completely exhausted and overwhelmed I found myself a spiritual healer. I needed to step outside myself and hear some wisdom to help find a path towards calmness and sensibility. My journey to finding myself again has been profound. Layer by layer I have peeled back old memories to confront, found truths I’d hidden and started to see how I would lie to myself to get through situations. Finding truth in all and seeing situations in a new light, I have realised what burdens I have been carrying.

Sometimes my marriage sometimes seems like the biggest lie of all. Spiritually, I feel so alone and at times I feel nothing for my husband. Other times I know I love him dearly, for his kindness and stability. He has given me security and forgiveness. He is very handsome and I like living with him and our children. But, I have never felt connected to his energy or felt connected to his spirit and this makes me feel so lonely and isolated. Our communication has grown as our relationship passes the years. As I have carried our relationship all the way, taken upon myself the challenge of doing everything to get us to a better and brighter future. All my blood sweat and tears has gone into raising our family while he sits reading and day dreaming. At this age and period of our lives I feel like I’ve exhausted my strength doing my role and his role.

Marriage is a full time job, so many ups and down.

There are times where I just don’t know who’s looking back at me in the mirror.

When I feel like giving up and dig deep and find a reason to carry on.

Love isn’t perfection, I can’t love 100% all the time.

I love , sometimes I hate and sometimes completely indifferent to the relationship.

My frenemies

A frenemies believes that just because I am happy, calm and positive, I have not and do not struggle with any personal demons.

Your judgment and criticism is welcomed, an opportunity for me to reflect.

I accept that you choose to shrink when sitting next to me to play the victim hoping to gain sympathy and a reaction.

But, simply I see this as manipulation to get your own way. Hence, why we are not friends.

Playing the victim is boring to me. I would respect you should you show me your strength.

You used me and I decided to distance myself.  Now you’re trying to use my goodwill and strength against me.

Every struggle and hardship has made me stronger, wiser, healthier person and the woman I am today.

I have made mistakes but learnt from them.

My laughter is my medicine.

My calm approach is a reflection that I am using patience and knowledge before reacting.

My positive manner is a skill I use to find solutions for problems.

To be strong is to struggle with your own personal demons.

Overcoming hurt, pain and hardship has freed me.

The lessons were needed, my mind is peaceful and heart open. I have no regrets in my life.

The difference between me and my friend is I have overcome my demons.

10 Sins

  1. Had anal sex with my ex-brother inlaw on the stair well of a pub.
  2. Had an affair with my sister’s long term partner.
  3. Use to taxi over to my ex boyfriend house and have sex with him while his current girlfriend was asleep in the next room.
  4. Have lusted for two men in the last 11 or so years, one being my current brother inlaw. I feel super guilty about this and know how inappropriate it is.
  5. Second being a super hot guy at the local gym who is young (24) enough to be my son.
  6. Had sex with three different men in one night at each of their homes.
  7. Slept with my husband’s best friend.
  8. I have never been faithful in any of my relationships.
  9. Am addicted to porn.
  10. Masterbate regularly.