My isolated month

Soul repairing the carnage

Hiding hurt, taking cover under bed covers

Avoiding deceit , lies prance and parade themselves, howling to the moon

Energy vampires, sucking my essence, feeding off the stench of their false self importance

I regret you all.

Stilling winds, quiet places, I die and vanish beneath the abandonment

I reject you all.

Rhythmic beats awake my desire, my heart hears nature’s call

Standing alone, raising palms to the sun

I call my name and walk again.

Clinging

Flames hang on to their fuel in order to keep the fire burning. Likewise, in the human world, everything that radiates light or love is dependent upon something else. Through the webs of our interdependence, we see that everything is related, each thing to the other. Awareness of your attachment to other people is the key that opens the door to knowing your true place in the world. No human is an island.

Fire is also a symbol of liberation — crackling molecules that fly away from home. Paradoxically, by clinging to what is natural and appropriate, we gain inner freedom.

Clarity of mind is most valuable when its light illuminates events slowly and evenly. True intelligence must be tied to sincerity and genuine feeling; otherwise, it will burn itself out like a fire in dry straw. Those in possession of brilliance should learn to temper their insights, so as not to arouse enmity in others. Those who are restless and impatient with others may rise to prominence quickly, but are likely to descend just as rapidly. It is possible to be too clever.

Clarity of vision can empower you to penetrate the veil of life’s illusions. This can bring good fortune, if such a vision is accompanied by a change of heart and you let go of delusion. Once the vanity of human endeavors becomes clear, one of two extremes can happen. Either you continue to struggle for life’s rewards as if they were real or you find yourself falling into the depths of despair. But after despair, then what?

A modern day exorcism

This year is about evicting demons  and other spiritual entities  from my life in this modern world.

Slowly but surely banishing old bad habits, filthy arse friends, bad family and haunting dark memories is coming second nature.

While some actions require soul searching, being honest with myself and many hours with my therapist, other actions to exorcise is much easier and just a few clicks on the keyboard. Blocking people on social media sounds childish but I have personally found it very empowering. Within seconds of blocking them I no longer have to see their smug posts, photos, faces and fake lives.

I choose to no longer be an audience to their demonic lies and self deluded games. Playing with my emotions is now met with a swift fast block. It’s just one of the many steps I’m taking to ensure my wellness. I seem to be surround by people who can’t be honest, upfront and turn my good nature against me.

To my friends and family, if you choose to backstab me, talk shit about me, try and manipulate those around me for your own selfishness I will simply blocked you. I will block your calls, block you on social media and ghost you. And, I don’t feel bad one little bit. Purging has been fabulous.

Lost souls trying to sink their teeth into my essence and suck me dry, my defence is up now and you cannot break my wall.

Dark influences trying to corrupt my soul, I’m on to you. I’ve outgrown you and wised up. Your persona has cracks in it and only darkness creeps through. Destroying is the only thing you can achieve now, selling false dreams to kids to control them. We may be blood but nothing binds us. I have purged you.

You are now deleted!

Hexagram 61

Have recently began a journey into understanding I Ching. My reading today has the below advise, food for thought…….

Zhōng Fú: the ideogram and the story

What does it mean for your question?
This hexagram is complementary to hex.62.

Top 9: A drawn-out sound ascends to heaven. Determination pitfall.
Do not dissect truth too much in words or ideas. Before you realize it, you live up to great words instead of simple intuition, to beautiful ideas instead of simple experience. Give your emotions a fair chance to live life without giving it names.
(Changes to hex.60)

9 at 5: When one has truth, then one binds. Without fault.
Who is true can also recognize truth in others. He can make real and deep contact, and he can avoid all harmful and needless influences. The ability to find the right people and avoid the wrong ones is one of the greatest assets in life, surpassing the best education, the most abounding riches.
(Changes to hex.41)  Mirror

6 at 4: The moon is almost full. One of the horses pair gets lost. Without fault.
The individual and society will never agree completely. In order to stay oneself, one will have to make sacrifices. Set your preferences, you cannot have it all, so decide what is important and what is not. Wanting all that society offers means one loses a lot Self.
(Changes to hex.10)

Continue reading “Hexagram 61”

Marriage – sometimes love, sometimes hate…..

A few months ago I was suffering from long term stress and anxiety which resulted in a panic attack and deep depression (okay, I wanted to end my life) . The frustrations that seeped down to every cell in my body manifest to a state where breathing was unbearable. For months my days swirled with emotional highs and lows. I no longer recognised myself physical or emotional self and I was very worried I’d lost the plot so much so I began to worry that this is who I was now.

Feeling completely exhausted and overwhelmed I found myself a spiritual healer. I needed to step outside myself and hear some wisdom to help find a path towards calmness and sensibility. My journey to finding myself again has been profound. Layer by layer I have peeled back old memories to confront, found truths I’d hidden and started to see how I would lie to myself to get through situations. Finding truth in all and seeing situations in a new light, I have realised what burdens I have been carrying.

Sometimes my marriage sometimes seems like the biggest lie of all. Spiritually, I feel so alone and at times I feel nothing for my husband. Other times I know I love him dearly, for his kindness and stability. He has given me security and forgiveness. He is very handsome and I like living with him and our children. But, I have never felt connected to his energy or felt connected to his spirit and this makes me feel so lonely and isolated. Our communication has grown as our relationship passes the years. As I have carried our relationship all the way, taken upon myself the challenge of doing everything to get us to a better and brighter future. All my blood sweat and tears has gone into raising our family while he sits reading and day dreaming. At this age and period of our lives I feel like I’ve exhausted my strength doing my role and his role.

Marriage is a full time job, so many ups and down.

There are times where I just don’t know who’s looking back at me in the mirror.

When I feel like giving up and dig deep and find a reason to carry on.

Love isn’t perfection, I can’t love 100% all the time.

I love , sometimes I hate and sometimes completely indifferent to the relationship.

Muse

You presented and surrender to me

Knelt down and submitted

our gaze gracefully connecting

alchemy awakening

My frenemies

A frenemies believes that just because I am happy, calm and positive, I have not and do not struggle with any personal demons.

Your judgment and criticism is welcomed, an opportunity for me to reflect.

I accept that you choose to shrink when sitting next to me to play the victim hoping to gain sympathy and a reaction.

But, simply I see this as manipulation to get your own way. Hence, why we are not friends.

Playing the victim is boring to me. I would respect you should you show me your strength.

You used me and I decided to distance myself.  Now you’re trying to use my goodwill and strength against me.

Every struggle and hardship has made me stronger, wiser, healthier person and the woman I am today.

I have made mistakes but learnt from them.

My laughter is my medicine.

My calm approach is a reflection that I am using patience and knowledge before reacting.

My positive manner is a skill I use to find solutions for problems.

To be strong is to struggle with your own personal demons.

Overcoming hurt, pain and hardship has freed me.

The lessons were needed, my mind is peaceful and heart open. I have no regrets in my life.

The difference between me and my friend is I have overcome my demons.

10 Sins

  1. Had anal sex with my ex-brother inlaw on the stair well of a pub.
  2. Had an affair with my sister’s long term partner.
  3. Use to taxi over to my ex boyfriend house and have sex with him while his current girlfriend was asleep in the next room.
  4. Have lusted for two men in the last 11 or so years, one being my current brother inlaw. I feel super guilty about this and know how inappropriate it is.
  5. Second being a super hot guy at the local gym who is young (24) enough to be my son.
  6. Had sex with three different men in one night at each of their homes.
  7. Slept with my husband’s best friend.
  8. I have never been faithful in any of my relationships.
  9. Am addicted to porn.
  10. Masterbate regularly.

Teen pregnancy and homeless

img_4612-2Today I celebrate my eldest sons birthday, he is 25 years old. I thought the day would feel joyous but instead I reflected and cried.

My tears are for all my struggles and adversity that I have faced. It was 25 years ago that I was made homeless, kicked out of the family home for being pregnant. I was told to leave my family home one week after turning 18. I left the house with only the clothes I was wearing. I cried all the way up the street to the bus stop where I continued to cry. I cried so much I missed the next 3 buses, I just sat there balling my eyes with no composure and unsure what to do. Having finally calmed down I bused to my friends house to ask for a bed for the night. She agreed I could stay, but her flat mates were not happy and voiced their opinions. They didn’t want a pregnant teen who had no money staying. That night was lonely and the room felt dark and empty. I was hoping the flat mates would change their minds but did not happen.

Continue reading “Teen pregnancy and homeless”

When friendships go downhill.

Recently I killed off two friendships and for two very different reasons. We were tight as thieves, catching up every few days for coffee, drinks and a big gossip. At first it felt very sisterhood, supporting each other, laughing together and really bonding. There were endless nights of gin drinking, deep secret sharing and staggered home after one too many. I felt so lucky to finally have a women friendship circle.

What could test those bonds, rattle our friendship and end all communication forever? Well, friend1 revelled a dark side, a sinful lust and deprave allure. It didn’t immediately click in my mind the little immoral hints she kept repeating. Then one manic Sunday afternoon she blurted out that her friend, a male in his later 50’s, regularly’s molests local young teenage boys. And, to shock me further she added that she saw no issues with this and defended his actions. As I sat there in shock I found my words lost and my heart break. In that split second I found I no longer knew my friend and our worlds far apart.

Continue reading “When friendships go downhill.”

Paying for sex

Previously mentioned, I spent my teens working in my mother’s brothel as a receptionist. My day consisted of answering telephones while trying to sound alluring in a provocative sexy whisper (hindsight tells me my young innocent girlie voice was what probably what caught punters attention), and booking appointments etc. It was a fairly easy job and not many difficulties arose. If there was any it was mainly from the sour puss pampered girls themselves who didn’t like being told by a 16 year old what to do or who to fuck. And, sometimes my boyfriend would ring as a joke pretending to be a customer to trick me into describing the girls, which made me feel embarrassed but no doubt turned him on as he would have a massive laugh.

Continue reading “Paying for sex”

Does mother know best?

During my early to mid teens my mother, who was raising four children on her own, was struggling financially. This lead her to taking up a position as receptionist at the city’s largest and most popular brothel. She worked nights so we didn’t see her much -this was basically the end of her parenting us. We really never saw her, she slept during the day, but cash was truly flowing. Our flat was city central until we upgraded right next door of the massage parlour and bang smack in town. Continue reading “Does mother know best?”

What are your triggers?

For the last few weeks my life feels like a dizzy blur of intoxication. I can barely remember what I did last week let alone yesterday. My heart races and vision flickers while a million thoughts consumes my consciousness. Life mimics a marathon on a tread mill that never stops. I suffer from manic and depressive episodes, at least once every six months to 18 months, and right now my mind is swirling and the anxiety raising.

Continue reading “What are your triggers?”

The invisible hand

A long time ago when I worked in finance and group of my work colleagues and I had a few drinks one night after a hard day. We were all at a new trendy local bar sampling Asian cuisine food and locals wines.  One of the women who attended was a real piece of work but she was also very charming. She was lazy, spent most day hung-over and flirted with the male upper management so she could get promoted. As I was very hard working, and did more than my fair share of the teams work, I began to resent her.  But, that evening was very relaxed and enjoyable.

The following Monday she came to work extremely upset, confused and spent all weekend crying. She tearfully explained that her car had been vandalised! I really empathised with her situation as it was such a horrid thing to have happened. Our natural reaction was shock, horror and outrage. So, being the lovely sales team that we were we, (me included) sympathetically tried to help her figure out the culprit.  For weeks our sales team would gossip and point the figure at our work mates and come up with wild explanations. It was truly awful that someone could do something so nasty and we all really felt for her. It seemed a real mystery that no one could solve.  My theory was that some youths walked passed indiscriminately and carried out a random act of vandalism.

Continue reading “The invisible hand”

What’s your vice?

49273D4F-9373-43C1-9A5C-11D585A970DF.jpegAnother day and another headache. After many decades of habitual dope smoking I am on my first week of the detox. I have completely gone cold turkey and the physical symptoms my body is experiencing is very overwhelming. With body chills, headaches, stomach aches and mood swings, I’m being to think it’s easier to ween myself off instead of 100% nothing.

My history with illicit drugs is a long one. It started off with a marijuana joint given to me by my dad for my 11th birthday, followed by amphetamines at 16 (again, given to me by my parents) mushrooms and acid in my teens.

Continue reading “What’s your vice?”

What’s your number?

9EE55F76-87D5-4E4D-8361-49D0217DE916Yes, call me a nymph.

With an insatiable sexual appetite my number of sexual partners is much higher than the average women.  I am in no way ashamed of this, however it’s not something I disclose as promiscuity is frowned upon.  In most societies, especially if you’re a women, you will be labelled in a derogatory manner and I do hate being judged.

So, what’s my number to confession? Somewhere around 120 maybe a little higher.

Mean Girls

B14AF668-BE50-4190-A709-F263C90358FD.jpeg

Something I beat myself up about is the shame and embarrassment of being raped.  Having had at least half a dozen experiences of sex being forced on me, like many women, left me feeling worthless and unlovable.  However, one particular instance rocked my world for many reasons.

Continue reading “Mean Girls”

Hello and Greetings

93AE0552-D19E-44AF-9F5E-4540DCBDB8D9.jpeg

Welcome my friends.  After a rather harrowing  period which saw a downward spiral of suicidal thoughts and self hate I am taking the positive steps to heal. For years I have been suppressing my shame, pain, violence, debauchery,  promiscuity, vices and my fucked up family.  The energy taken to suppress and play normal has had a huge effect on me and I want to be free from the past.  Now ready to release my sins and heal, I thought a fabulous healing process would to be to finally share my inner thoughts and experiences. Over the next one hundred days I will expell one demon at a time…… xoxo

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