Healing my soul by releasing my sins
My nomadic nature moves with the wind
At the pace of water
My soul dances with flow from my beating heart
I sleep where I lay
Wondering the adventurous of known and unknown
Floating, sometimes stomping
Breathing, sometimes suffocating
I live life and keep moving
I thought home was where ever I was happy
But, today found out home is in your arms
My future will include
Nurture
Love
Respect
Companionship
Adventure
Being kind to myself and caring of my soul
I say goodbye too
Second guessing myself
Malice
Deceit
Disrespect
Addiction
And stress
Twenty years ago when I was at a cross road regarding my future. One path was to get back with my old flame, who I have a drug past with, who came close to killing me in an automobile accident, whose acquaintance raped me and made me lose my soul. The other path was to create a life with a gentle, kind and handsome Welsh boy that I met whilst on an overseas trip.
Now, never one to opt for an easy journey I first choose the Welsh boy who’s so handsome with a massive heart and impressive big willy. But, while waiting for my Welsh Knight in shining armour I thought it a rather brilliant idea to have my bad ass exboyfriend help keep my bed warm until the Knight flew in from overseas.
The old flame dutifully warmed my bed and dutifully fucked me. I soon had those old feelings back, I was back in love with him and fully prepared to let him make an honest women out of me. I had visions of us riding off into the sunset and being together forever. My ex had promised to take me out for a romantic dinner and I was so full of joy, jumping with excitement. Wow, he was really showing signs of being really serious with me. So I got all dressed up and made my hair real pretty and waited. Two days I waited! Two days! It was then it dawned on me that perhaps he didn’t really love me and I was pissed at myself for being naive. When he finally did show his muggy face it turns outs that bad ass ex was also seeing Bubbles the stripper. He was now keeping her bed warm. I recall him gleefully describing playing with her nipples and sharing this with me like I was one of the lads. Oh, yeah he also had a girlfriend! I was part of a love square! My feeling were smashed into bits and thrown to the cold wind to blow straight back into my face to slap me hard. My body went stone cold in a split second. The immense pain was turning my heart dark, I felt like a complete fool. In that moment new I was done for good. Never mind though, I told myself, my Knight was due to arrive soon. I just pretended those last few weeks never happened and buried it deep to save my pride and ego. It’s like nothing ever happened.
Finally my Knight arrives and we spend the next few weeks having passionate, glorious quivering sex for hours, with such intense pleasure. Mr Knight who was originally my plan A, then my plan B (when my ex turned up in my life again) was soon my plan A again and my life journey felt like it was back on track, full steam ahead. All was going marvellously until I realised my period hadn’t arrived. I was excited but worried as a pregnancy this early in a new relationship wasn’t what I had planned and I didn’t want this new journey to get complicated. Off to the doctors for the routine check up was next. I laid on the table for an internal examination expecting to have my dates confirmed to be about 6 weeks. But, no, not 6 weeks along, I was 3 months along! Shit!
Anyway, to cut a long story short, terminated pregnancy, cried, married the Knight, had 4 more children, and thought the journey with the Knight was set in stone for a happily ever after………….
(to be continued)
When a handsome demigod with a physique of a Spartan warrior and the face of a GQ model came prancing into the local gym I totally creamed my knickers instantly. Now, I have been a gym bunny off and on for over a decade and a half and have therefore have seen my fair share of fit men. However, there was something uniquely special about this man, he totally took my breath away.
This is a song about a bad girl
Something that happened to me long time ago
Everybody was telling me how the little girl was running around
I had a head of my own
and I just wouldn’t listen to nobody
my father he told me
my mother sat down and cried
said son this woman will break your heart
and then she’ll put you down
that’s when I told mama these words
lord have mercy
baaaaaad girl mama
bad, bad girl
mama they call her bad girl
all because she wanted to be free
but i’m in love with the little girl
and i believe that she loves me.
what my heart feels
my lips must confess
so I will never let her alone
i don’t care if they call her bad
bad girl, mama
lord have mercy
bad, bad girl
love is a mystery
never can be explained by anything
but i believe one of these days
the whole world will understand
what my heart feels
my lips must confess
so i will
never let that little girl alone
i don’t care if they call her bad
bad girl
you better believe it, mama
It never gets easier been told your loved one has been incarcerated.
Every telephone call breaks the heart a little more.
It never gets any easier knowing they’re slowing falling down the rabbit hole further.
So, every good memory slowly fades while realities slaps sore.
Prison skipped a whole generation but it soon caught up with the next.
So, every tear shed holds my pain, shame and despair.
Why do governments pay thousands to incarcerate?
Wouldn’t funding prevention be money better spent?
Why do so many vulnerable young men end up in prison?
Why do so many mental health suffers end up in prison?
Soul repairing the carnage
Hiding hurt, taking cover under bed covers
Avoiding deceit , lies prance and parade themselves, howling to the moon
Energy vampires, sucking my essence, feeding off the stench of their false self importance
I regret you all.
Stilling winds, quiet places, I die and vanish beneath the abandonment
I reject you all.
Rhythmic beats awake my desire, my heart hears nature’s call
Standing alone, raising palms to the sun
I call my name and walk again.
Flames hang on to their fuel in order to keep the fire burning. Likewise, in the human world, everything that radiates light or love is dependent upon something else. Through the webs of our interdependence, we see that everything is related, each thing to the other. Awareness of your attachment to other people is the key that opens the door to knowing your true place in the world. No human is an island.
Fire is also a symbol of liberation — crackling molecules that fly away from home. Paradoxically, by clinging to what is natural and appropriate, we gain inner freedom.
Clarity of mind is most valuable when its light illuminates events slowly and evenly. True intelligence must be tied to sincerity and genuine feeling; otherwise, it will burn itself out like a fire in dry straw. Those in possession of brilliance should learn to temper their insights, so as not to arouse enmity in others. Those who are restless and impatient with others may rise to prominence quickly, but are likely to descend just as rapidly. It is possible to be too clever.
Clarity of vision can empower you to penetrate the veil of life’s illusions. This can bring good fortune, if such a vision is accompanied by a change of heart and you let go of delusion. Once the vanity of human endeavors becomes clear, one of two extremes can happen. Either you continue to struggle for life’s rewards as if they were real or you find yourself falling into the depths of despair. But after despair, then what?
This year is about evicting demons and other spiritual entities from my life in this modern world.
Slowly but surely banishing old bad habits, filthy arse friends, bad family and haunting dark memories is coming second nature.
While some actions require soul searching, being honest with myself and many hours with my therapist, other actions to exorcise is much easier and just a few clicks on the keyboard. Blocking people on social media sounds childish but I have personally found it very empowering. Within seconds of blocking them I no longer have to see their smug posts, photos, faces and fake lives.
I choose to no longer be an audience to their demonic lies and self deluded games. Playing with my emotions is now met with a swift fast block. It’s just one of the many steps I’m taking to ensure my wellness. I seem to be surround by people who can’t be honest, upfront and turn my good nature against me.
To my friends and family, if you choose to backstab me, talk shit about me, try and manipulate those around me for your own selfishness I will simply blocked you. I will block your calls, block you on social media and ghost you. And, I don’t feel bad one little bit. Purging has been fabulous.
Lost souls trying to sink their teeth into my essence and suck me dry, my defence is up now and you cannot break my wall.
Dark influences trying to corrupt my soul, I’m on to you. I’ve outgrown you and wised up. Your persona has cracks in it and only darkness creeps through. Destroying is the only thing you can achieve now, selling false dreams to kids to control them. We may be blood but nothing binds us. I have purged you.
You are now deleted!
